Sunday evening

The weekend is coming to an end. I have spent most of my time working in the yard cleaning up leaves, errant weeds and cleaning the gutters. The sun was out briefly today, just enough to notice the layer of dust on all the furniture.. I took the Porsche out for a spin instead, nothing like 110mph to clear the cobwebs out and bring you very quickly into the moment.. A long and deserted stretch of roadway not far from home over by my office/shop. No driveways and plenty of visibility, I do not want to spend the holidays in an orange jump suit picking up trash along our highways.

Zac and I joined Kathy, Tom, Betty, Duane, Debbie and Bill for an early Thanksgiving dinner, a pleasant time although subdued. Jack has about a 3-4 hour window where I feel comfortable leaving him home alone without dealing with any "accidents", he did fine as usual.

I had received a very gracious invitation to join the Senders family at their Thanksgiving meal later in the evening, we joined them at Angela and Jorges (Niece) around 7:30, was thankful for being included in their family event and had a wonderful time with all of them. These folks were part of her extended family while married to Richard.

Part of the weekend was spent sorting through photographs from the last several years, I chose several dozen to print out, frame and hang on the dining room wall Only a few do not have Pam in it. Upper right one was taken from my dinghy at Reid harbor in the San Juans of Milagro sitting at anchor in an incredible setting, Pam was to come up and join me for several weeks, that changed with the diagnosis.

It became easier to do the more photos I put up. The best of the best of our lives togeather for the last two years.

I have finally moved Pamela's suitcase out of the bedroom where she left it from our trip to the beach in August, I tried to unpack it several weeks ago but just could not do it. She was notorious for taking forever to unpack and it would sit for weeks. I moved it into her mediation/sewing room along with a couple portable closets she had in the garage, another project: organize the garage and believe it or not I can park the Subaru or Porsche in there now.

Evenings are still very painful, I force myself to leave work and come home. Jack is excited to be back home and it rubs off a little. I have started to complete the trim in the re-modeled bathroom, though slow as I have stayed away from my power tools (table saw etc) for fear that I may lose focus then a finger. (I know I know I drove real fast though) My comfort level is coming up and I will proceed with the scary parts.

Friday night I joined Louise and Don at Jimmie Macks (jazz club) chatted and listened to a set. I enjoyed myself and for an hour the pain was not so crushing.

I am thinking I will have small dinner parties with a few friends like we used to do. I am moving out of a very remote state of mind I hope. So if anyone is inclined please feel free to call or email, I would love to hear from folks.

I'm on facebook now for you folks that use it.

Here is the new photo wall: a tribute really. Well it's up top now.

Ben

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday.
Ben

For you folks that did not get a chance to see Pamela's obituary you may see it online and please sign the guest book as I will print it.
Go to:
http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?n=pamela-senders-thomas&pid=146179753

It will be up until the 23rd of November 2011
Ben

Passing of Time

This is a wonderful shot of Pam in South America in the early 70's.
It has been a month now, though it feels like moments ago. My perception of time is altered as I struggle with my grief, an hour feels like seconds, a month takes the time to exhale, a day seems to be an eternity of emotional turmoil. The world seems to have moved on, the leaves are starting to turn, the mornings are crisp, fall is almost here, people are going about their lives as if nothing has changed. Yet nothing is the same.
Everything has turned into slow motion at the speed of light. Both my head and heart are rebelling against the fact she is gone.
Somewhere in my core of being as if acting as a referee or sensorium, I know that this is my process to becoming grounded again, centered and at peace, to live each moment as it comes regardless of the pain or joy.
I hope that eventually I will be able to move on as everything around me has. I have no idea how long it will take or how it will turn out, I only know now how painful the process is.
To come to terms with loss, yet have lost nothing.

My gratitude today is to Gordon Herzig a dear friend I first met in 1974. I was a studio potter then, he worked with stained glass. I made him a dinner ware set, he set stained glass in a large round window of mine, a good trade. We both still have the pieces.
We met again 11 years ago and picked up where we left off and have had many sailing adventures in both our sailboats. This past weekend he suggested we cruise the Columbia river for the weekend, which we did. All the way to Stevensen Washington, through the Bonneville locks twice, a first for us both, Jack as well.
For his unending patience, intuition, culinary skills and bluntness as only Gordon can pull off which helped me be present and in the moment.

Gratitudes

Today I'm grateful for the canopy of open night sky, especially out at sea when the stars are thick ,vibrant and pulsating from times long since passed. Pitch black, running on adrenaline and your compass course at 3:oo in the morning. The rythmn of the boat slicing through the swells ,it was made for this. The joy at daybreak on the open sea.
The Alstromeria that Pam picked out for the back garden, blooming from early spring to the first freeze. Still going strong!
German engineering, the Porsche at 110 just getting into its power curve feeling like 65mph. only once, no orange jump suits for me.
Pam's remarkable health insurance, without it all would be lost.
The autumn harvest time at all the farmers markets.
Neil Youngs "Harvest Moon"
All the new children on the block coming by at Halloween
the thought that I may be at peace with all of this in my lifetime.

A New Baby!

Pia gave birth to a healthy baby boy today..Axel David Senders.
Zac and I will be going to see them next month. I'm so excited and broken hearted at the same time, that David, Pia and little Axel are doing well and so sad and heartbroken that Pam didn't have a chance to meet her new grandchild.
She was so excited...and did so much shopping for the little one that there are several years of birthday and Christmas presents tucked away in her meditation room waiting to be wrapped.
I am having a difficult time without her. During the day I try to keep busy at work, but the evenings have been especially hard.
I met with one of the Hospice social workers last Friday. She was Helpful and a good resource. Today she called and gave me the info. for a mens group on grieving through legacy.
I am going to give Yoga another try at the club, Pam and I were going to the early sessions and weekends some time ago, I started hurting my wrists and had conflicts with work so I slowly dropped out. It is time to start where I left off.
Zac and Billy have been coming over for dinner at least once a week. Last Saturday they were here for breakfast and a trip down to Fir Point to check out the hay and corn maze. Of course we had to get the homemade donuts as well.
I am so used to shopping for two or more, that the transition to one is painful.. when I get to the checkout line and realize what I have in the basket is way more than I need I have fallen apart. I shop with sun glasses on now.
I'm hoping with time I will be able to deal a little better with my grief and be able to revisit places that we have a history with and not be so devastated by the loss and maybe even rejoice at the loving memories. That seems like such a long long road and I see no end in sight. I know it will take some time, I know that is my course, once I regain my bearings.

Things I am grateful for today:
my love of Pam
Three wonderful sons
One very special daughter in law
a brand new grandson
the autumn sun as it lowers on the cloudless horizon casting its promising glow against the turning leaves that seems to make them come alive at the end of their days.
the sound of rain hitting the top of my dodger streched tight like a drum over the companion way into Milagro
Our dog Jack so full of joy and energy that turns tears into laughs
Ben

Pamela atop Cape Kiwanda giving thanks

It's hard to believe two weeks have passed. Most days have been very difficult but I have mangaged to muddle through them with my heart and head seemingly set in thick jello. But now that I'm getting more than a few hours sleep a night has helped. Last week I went back to work for a couple days with a shorter than usual attention span , though most of my time I spent at home doing chores, cleaning, laundry, the business of Pam's estate, leaving items where she had set them ( I just can't move them yet) and working in our garden. All of which have been emotionally draining but cathartic.

Last Friday Debbie (Pam's sister) and I used the Tickets Pam had purchased for us and went to the Opera Pam wanted to see, interesting but definetly not for me.

We have been ushering for about 19 years at the Artists Rep. theatre, this past Saturday was our second play. At first I didn't think I had the heart to continue, but decided to go anyway. Bill, my brother in law went with me.. Eugene O'neils Ah Wilderness is playing.. an excellent play, a great cast, very well done and a must see for those of you interested. I have decided to continue the tradition of ushering.

This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life, I know now how absolutly crushing it can be to lose a hard earned soul mate such as Pamela.

Hopefully I will not be repeating myself to a lot of you, but our paths first crossed in I think 1970. Pam and Richard were looking at Goldern Retrievers at a kennel down on Macadam. I was looking at the same litter only on different days. I later got a Blue tick hound while they got Balzac the Golden R.

A few years later when they lived at the Seaside house, Pam worked in Philips and Richard had the shooting range, I lived around the corner from them. Most days I would walk my dog and two others of roommates right past the Seaside house. Balzac would sometimes be out front and join us for a romp on the beach. Several times a woman up on the boardwalk would call out and Balzac would go running up to her. In the later part of the 70s when they lived on NW. Raliegh, I lived around the corner on Savier, My studio was on Thurman, her neighbor rented studio space from me.

It wasn't until the fall of 1988 That we finally met at Fruit and Flower daycare in NW. She would sometimes get there a little before me and I would follow her up the stairs, she with Billy in tow, me with Zac I was totally amazed at her calves, thinking wow.. she has got to be a runner. There was a familiarity about her that intrigued me.

That first moment When I heard her voice and looked into her eyes I fell in love as if I had known this woman for years. It was those first probing and exciting converstations that we were able to sew and piece our paths togeather through time. Her Dad delivered my sisters children.

The early years were to be a double edged sword as we both had some things still to work out. Luckily we both arrived at the same place togeather. The following years togeather have been the best years of my life that I shall cherish and hold dearly for the rest of my days. I still cannot imagine my life without her for her presence is inside me and everywhere I turn.

I fell in love with her spirit, the essence of Pamela of who she was and how she came to be. I am so lucky she chose to share so much with me.

I just want to thank all the folks who have written so many wonderful cards and that she was able to share with all of you as well. A many heartfelt thanks to you all.