Most of you know now of the results of the CT scan I had on Tuesday. Ben and Billy went to my appointment with the oncologist Wednesday morning. The scan showed a mass forming at the site of the resection, as well as two small growths in a lung. What you might not have known is that I had been experiencing more frequent and persistent, though mild, pain in my abdomen. I really became concerned when it began to awaken me in the middle of the night. It felt like intense hunger pains so I would get up and eat, feeling some relief. Because of the pain, my appetite had begun to wane a bit, and I lost the few pounds I had gained. This led to a visit with the doctor and the subsequent scan. In the same week, I experienced severe chest pain, went by  ambulance to the emergency room, and eventually ruled out heart attack. Apparently this pain, which I had had before, was esophageal spasm. It hurts like a heart attack. So the past few weeks I have been increasingly uncomfortable and anxious. Needless to say, my anxiety was not relieved by the recurrence of the cancer. I imagine we will have a treatment plan by the end of this coming week, some form of chemotherapy. 


The pain medication I have started to take is helping a lot. In fact it is strange how good I have felt the last few days. I am eating more and feel pretty energetic, probably fueled in part by anxiety and a sense that I have a lot to get done, and a lot I want to do. I am usually keeping a pretty calm, sometimes joyous, state. Thursday I worked in my rose garden in the morning for several hours, then went with Ben and Jack to the dog park. It was sooo hot! In the afternoon, my mother, and then friends visited. I talked to a variety of people, made lists of things I needed to do. Friday I went to yoga and visited with good friends after class. Then I went out to lunch with my Senders nieces, and Billy. Later Billy hung out here and then Ben joined us. It's been nice. This is how I want to spend the rest of my life. 


Today I had a learning moment, which I think some of you who know me to be competitive will find amusing, and not too surprising. This morning in yoga, my competitive spirit, and a will to be strong, kicked in as we did a rather unusual piece. The teacher had us race across the room on our stomachs on blankets pulling ourselves with our hands, as in cobra. I figured I had an edge with muscle memory from years of paddling and my light weight. And I WAS among the lead, until I hit the wall 3/4 of the way across, so to speak. I  tagged my partner and he returned across the floor and we actually finished first. Big deal right?  How crazy. Guess I have a lot yet to learn about ego; need to have a little more time here to learn that, I think. I paid for this poor choice by being entirely spent, hard to get myself home and back into bed for a few hours rest. After a quiet afternoon, Ben and I went to a music concert, so wonderful and exhilarating. And now after midnight, I am still typing. The days are just not long enough. Is this another lesson I need to learn, to not try to fit so much into one day, to let it go and go to bed? OK I will. Night  night.