For all of you who have been on the Christmas mailing list, I finished this years last night. It was the first time for me at the keyboard writing it. Only one error that I found after printing 2/3 of them (Well that I could find) probably a few more errors but oh well.
My task in years past was to read the proof and maybe add something, or clarify then helped with the folding stamping etc. I think it came out okay though.
Last week during the worst of the rains Zac, Billy and I went out at 3:30 almost dark and got our Christmas tree. They were aghast that I had considered not even having one.
Usually we have a ton of cards and letters by now, I have six hanging on the kitchen door.. I have a feeling that a lot of the people have either not sent them this year or eliminated us (me) from their lists. A depressing thought. A difficult time as I'm wrapping all the gifts that Pam had already purchased or made for Axel and the family members, I did find a list of possible items to dig out of boxes for the boys from their childhood like we did last year. So many things that Pam loved to do and me too, but now it is all up to me and sometimes I just don't feel up to it. The Christmas letter was a big hurdle and I'm glad I was able to finish it. Jesus I'm starting to sound like that donkey in Winnie the Pooh.
Work has been Okay we just started a big project which will be a real showpiece when completed. I have sold more engines this year than ever before so that has been good (Oregon Dealer for Beta Marine diesels for sailboats) I've been doing that for nine years now. Oregon Marine Industries is the name of my business, how I got that was interesting, I was upset about something I forget what, but I said to myself Oh am I pissed. Somewhere in the synapses it clicked Oregon Marine Industries...go figure. The upset was gone and I was on my way.
Take care for now

Sunday evening

The weekend is coming to an end. I have spent most of my time working in the yard cleaning up leaves, errant weeds and cleaning the gutters. The sun was out briefly today, just enough to notice the layer of dust on all the furniture.. I took the Porsche out for a spin instead, nothing like 110mph to clear the cobwebs out and bring you very quickly into the moment.. A long and deserted stretch of roadway not far from home over by my office/shop. No driveways and plenty of visibility, I do not want to spend the holidays in an orange jump suit picking up trash along our highways.

Zac and I joined Kathy, Tom, Betty, Duane, Debbie and Bill for an early Thanksgiving dinner, a pleasant time although subdued. Jack has about a 3-4 hour window where I feel comfortable leaving him home alone without dealing with any "accidents", he did fine as usual.

I had received a very gracious invitation to join the Senders family at their Thanksgiving meal later in the evening, we joined them at Angela and Jorges (Niece) around 7:30, was thankful for being included in their family event and had a wonderful time with all of them. These folks were part of her extended family while married to Richard.

Part of the weekend was spent sorting through photographs from the last several years, I chose several dozen to print out, frame and hang on the dining room wall Only a few do not have Pam in it. Upper right one was taken from my dinghy at Reid harbor in the San Juans of Milagro sitting at anchor in an incredible setting, Pam was to come up and join me for several weeks, that changed with the diagnosis.

It became easier to do the more photos I put up. The best of the best of our lives togeather for the last two years.

I have finally moved Pamela's suitcase out of the bedroom where she left it from our trip to the beach in August, I tried to unpack it several weeks ago but just could not do it. She was notorious for taking forever to unpack and it would sit for weeks. I moved it into her mediation/sewing room along with a couple portable closets she had in the garage, another project: organize the garage and believe it or not I can park the Subaru or Porsche in there now.

Evenings are still very painful, I force myself to leave work and come home. Jack is excited to be back home and it rubs off a little. I have started to complete the trim in the re-modeled bathroom, though slow as I have stayed away from my power tools (table saw etc) for fear that I may lose focus then a finger. (I know I know I drove real fast though) My comfort level is coming up and I will proceed with the scary parts.

Friday night I joined Louise and Don at Jimmie Macks (jazz club) chatted and listened to a set. I enjoyed myself and for an hour the pain was not so crushing.

I am thinking I will have small dinner parties with a few friends like we used to do. I am moving out of a very remote state of mind I hope. So if anyone is inclined please feel free to call or email, I would love to hear from folks.

I'm on facebook now for you folks that use it.

Here is the new photo wall: a tribute really. Well it's up top now.

Ben

Wishing everyone a wonderful holiday.
Ben

For you folks that did not get a chance to see Pamela's obituary you may see it online and please sign the guest book as I will print it.
Go to:
http://obits.oregonlive.com/obituaries/oregon/obituary.aspx?n=pamela-senders-thomas&pid=146179753

It will be up until the 23rd of November 2011
Ben

Passing of Time

This is a wonderful shot of Pam in South America in the early 70's.
It has been a month now, though it feels like moments ago. My perception of time is altered as I struggle with my grief, an hour feels like seconds, a month takes the time to exhale, a day seems to be an eternity of emotional turmoil. The world seems to have moved on, the leaves are starting to turn, the mornings are crisp, fall is almost here, people are going about their lives as if nothing has changed. Yet nothing is the same.
Everything has turned into slow motion at the speed of light. Both my head and heart are rebelling against the fact she is gone.
Somewhere in my core of being as if acting as a referee or sensorium, I know that this is my process to becoming grounded again, centered and at peace, to live each moment as it comes regardless of the pain or joy.
I hope that eventually I will be able to move on as everything around me has. I have no idea how long it will take or how it will turn out, I only know now how painful the process is.
To come to terms with loss, yet have lost nothing.

My gratitude today is to Gordon Herzig a dear friend I first met in 1974. I was a studio potter then, he worked with stained glass. I made him a dinner ware set, he set stained glass in a large round window of mine, a good trade. We both still have the pieces.
We met again 11 years ago and picked up where we left off and have had many sailing adventures in both our sailboats. This past weekend he suggested we cruise the Columbia river for the weekend, which we did. All the way to Stevensen Washington, through the Bonneville locks twice, a first for us both, Jack as well.
For his unending patience, intuition, culinary skills and bluntness as only Gordon can pull off which helped me be present and in the moment.

Gratitudes

Today I'm grateful for the canopy of open night sky, especially out at sea when the stars are thick ,vibrant and pulsating from times long since passed. Pitch black, running on adrenaline and your compass course at 3:oo in the morning. The rythmn of the boat slicing through the swells ,it was made for this. The joy at daybreak on the open sea.
The Alstromeria that Pam picked out for the back garden, blooming from early spring to the first freeze. Still going strong!
German engineering, the Porsche at 110 just getting into its power curve feeling like 65mph. only once, no orange jump suits for me.
Pam's remarkable health insurance, without it all would be lost.
The autumn harvest time at all the farmers markets.
Neil Youngs "Harvest Moon"
All the new children on the block coming by at Halloween
the thought that I may be at peace with all of this in my lifetime.

A New Baby!

Pia gave birth to a healthy baby boy today..Axel David Senders.
Zac and I will be going to see them next month. I'm so excited and broken hearted at the same time, that David, Pia and little Axel are doing well and so sad and heartbroken that Pam didn't have a chance to meet her new grandchild.
She was so excited...and did so much shopping for the little one that there are several years of birthday and Christmas presents tucked away in her meditation room waiting to be wrapped.
I am having a difficult time without her. During the day I try to keep busy at work, but the evenings have been especially hard.
I met with one of the Hospice social workers last Friday. She was Helpful and a good resource. Today she called and gave me the info. for a mens group on grieving through legacy.
I am going to give Yoga another try at the club, Pam and I were going to the early sessions and weekends some time ago, I started hurting my wrists and had conflicts with work so I slowly dropped out. It is time to start where I left off.
Zac and Billy have been coming over for dinner at least once a week. Last Saturday they were here for breakfast and a trip down to Fir Point to check out the hay and corn maze. Of course we had to get the homemade donuts as well.
I am so used to shopping for two or more, that the transition to one is painful.. when I get to the checkout line and realize what I have in the basket is way more than I need I have fallen apart. I shop with sun glasses on now.
I'm hoping with time I will be able to deal a little better with my grief and be able to revisit places that we have a history with and not be so devastated by the loss and maybe even rejoice at the loving memories. That seems like such a long long road and I see no end in sight. I know it will take some time, I know that is my course, once I regain my bearings.

Things I am grateful for today:
my love of Pam
Three wonderful sons
One very special daughter in law
a brand new grandson
the autumn sun as it lowers on the cloudless horizon casting its promising glow against the turning leaves that seems to make them come alive at the end of their days.
the sound of rain hitting the top of my dodger streched tight like a drum over the companion way into Milagro
Our dog Jack so full of joy and energy that turns tears into laughs
Ben

Pamela atop Cape Kiwanda giving thanks

It's hard to believe two weeks have passed. Most days have been very difficult but I have mangaged to muddle through them with my heart and head seemingly set in thick jello. But now that I'm getting more than a few hours sleep a night has helped. Last week I went back to work for a couple days with a shorter than usual attention span , though most of my time I spent at home doing chores, cleaning, laundry, the business of Pam's estate, leaving items where she had set them ( I just can't move them yet) and working in our garden. All of which have been emotionally draining but cathartic.

Last Friday Debbie (Pam's sister) and I used the Tickets Pam had purchased for us and went to the Opera Pam wanted to see, interesting but definetly not for me.

We have been ushering for about 19 years at the Artists Rep. theatre, this past Saturday was our second play. At first I didn't think I had the heart to continue, but decided to go anyway. Bill, my brother in law went with me.. Eugene O'neils Ah Wilderness is playing.. an excellent play, a great cast, very well done and a must see for those of you interested. I have decided to continue the tradition of ushering.

This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever faced in my life, I know now how absolutly crushing it can be to lose a hard earned soul mate such as Pamela.

Hopefully I will not be repeating myself to a lot of you, but our paths first crossed in I think 1970. Pam and Richard were looking at Goldern Retrievers at a kennel down on Macadam. I was looking at the same litter only on different days. I later got a Blue tick hound while they got Balzac the Golden R.

A few years later when they lived at the Seaside house, Pam worked in Philips and Richard had the shooting range, I lived around the corner from them. Most days I would walk my dog and two others of roommates right past the Seaside house. Balzac would sometimes be out front and join us for a romp on the beach. Several times a woman up on the boardwalk would call out and Balzac would go running up to her. In the later part of the 70s when they lived on NW. Raliegh, I lived around the corner on Savier, My studio was on Thurman, her neighbor rented studio space from me.

It wasn't until the fall of 1988 That we finally met at Fruit and Flower daycare in NW. She would sometimes get there a little before me and I would follow her up the stairs, she with Billy in tow, me with Zac I was totally amazed at her calves, thinking wow.. she has got to be a runner. There was a familiarity about her that intrigued me.

That first moment When I heard her voice and looked into her eyes I fell in love as if I had known this woman for years. It was those first probing and exciting converstations that we were able to sew and piece our paths togeather through time. Her Dad delivered my sisters children.

The early years were to be a double edged sword as we both had some things still to work out. Luckily we both arrived at the same place togeather. The following years togeather have been the best years of my life that I shall cherish and hold dearly for the rest of my days. I still cannot imagine my life without her for her presence is inside me and everywhere I turn.

I fell in love with her spirit, the essence of Pamela of who she was and how she came to be. I am so lucky she chose to share so much with me.

I just want to thank all the folks who have written so many wonderful cards and that she was able to share with all of you as well. A many heartfelt thanks to you all.

Pamela passed away quietly and gently last night at 9:45. I only hope I can face the coming days with as much grace, courage and strength as she has shown us for the past 14 months. I have never known such sorrow.
Memorial service is planned for sometime in the future when Dave, Pia and their soon to be newborn can attend.
I will post updates on that as they take shape.
All my best,
Ben

Pam's condition continued to worsen since her last post and into the weekend. I called the ambulance Sunday. She has been at St. Vincents CCU ward, where she recieved 4 units of blood, many litres of fluids, platelettes, Vitamin K. and other necessities, She was severely dehydrated , suffered kidney damage and intestinal bleeding. The staff and Doc's did a great job in stabilizing her to prevent anymore serious bleeding from her gut. Her Kidneys are working though damaged.

We came home today under a Hospice plan. The medical team has done all they can. She is set up in the living room and quite happy to be home. All our boys are here and we are making it as safe, comfortable and pain free as possible for her these last few days.
I apologize if I seem blunt, it is the only way I can continue to type these words.
Visitors are kept to family members, unless Pam indicates otherwise.
Please know that she loves you all. I will gladly pass on to her any words you may have. When I can find the time I will post updates.
Ben

Frankly not feeling so good

Tuesday, Wed, and now today, I have been overwhelmed with exhaustion. I have had to cancel appointments, and today I decided to cancel my trip to California. How disappointing. I have no appetite, which is not good for a 91# adult. I am falling asleep as I write so this will be brief.
Gratitudes:
Yesterday for,
- a visit from my friend Leslie who came with raspberries and jam;
- my friend and contractor Wally who has been here making more of the house beautiful;
- Mom who brought me hugs and maps to plan our CO trip.
Today for,
- always my husband for caring and taking care of me;
- my friends for being so understanding;
- my medical team for their compassionate care.
The new blue gray hall and the rust colored bathroom are a huge improvement and make me smile.
Take care, take good care everyone.
Pamela

Good news

Good news came in the mail. The oncologist repeated that he was pleased that the CT scan showed no growth of the tumor. But the best news was that the cancer marker they follow in my blood dropped nearly 50%. It is still high up there but the decrease was a strong indication that the chemo is doing the job to stop the progress of the cancer. Wish my body felt better, but there is always tomorrow. Today was tough. I awoke exhausted so I did't go to yoga. Then I had another esophageal spasm. That wiped me out. I napped and took it very easy all day. Ben was here 1/2 the day and is here now making dinner and scanning old snapshots so I can make photo books. Jack was beside himself waiting for me to finish patching up his teddy so he could have him back to alternately thrash and snuggle.
That's enough for now.

We're home. I am grateful for my home, for the ability to make the improvements we have been making recently, and for Ben's skill in doing so much of the fine work. Today a glass company is installing glass tub/shower doors with the right brushed nickle hardware we had requested.  A little snafu with that last week. I had hoped to come home to newly painted bathroom and hall, but looks like that will be a few days.

I have been exhausted the last couple days. Billy thinks it may be dehydration so I plan to phone the dr soon. Somehow I will sit through a manicure this  afternoon. We'll see.

Here are some photo highlights of the past week.

Saturdays gratitudes:

- family again, this time my cousins Claudia and Lynette, their families, and Aunt Doris

- to see that even at 91#, I can still walk from the house to the water's edge and back, sometimes down the beach a ways as well

- textile art

Today Debbie and I visited the Latimer Quilt and Textile Center in Tillamook on our way home to Portland for my uncle's memorial dinner. I was even more delighted than I had thought I might be with the center. It offers classes in all forms of textile art and more: weaving, spinning wool. knitting, crochet, quilting, bead work, etc. The center artists and staff developed a quilt block trail through the Tillamook region, the first on the west coast. (Apparently there are several in the eastern states). The center houses permanent exhibits of various textiles, such as quilt tops made from the depression era flour sack fabrics. There are also many artisan items made by local textile artists for sale, which I supported well today. I think I will join the center and plan to attend some of the classes even though it is over an hour drive each way. Anyone interested in joining me, say, for Friday weaving classes? It would help if we knew of a house where we could spend Friday nights so the drive wouldn't be so taxing. I'll look into it.

Well, Ben is snoring and we are rising early tomorrow so I will sign off.

Pamela

Thursday was a fantastic day. The morning haze burned off and the sun was brilliant. We have been enjoying lots of talk. Last night was especially enjoyable, the three of us sibs recounting various memories, with interesting variations from our separate memories. Funny. And it was fun listening to the three men talk cars. They know so much and are so into it. My current knitting project, a vest made of beautiful Tibetan silk, is coming along.
Thursday's gratitudes:
- siblings, their wisdom, memories, and love
- warm sand between your toes
- brilliant sunsets
Friday's gratitudes:
It's still early, but this morning I would say,
- yoga community (I have been taking classes in PC this week)
- waking up to sun
- Grateful Bread bakery biscuits and cookies
Photos later.

It's Wednesday already. Tuesday was grey and wet. We spent a long while in town at the Stimulus internet cafe, where we are again today. Today I feel shadows and the suggestion of sunshine and blue sky emerging. We will stroll the sand to the cape when we tire of our internet connecting. I have been working on photo albums, starting prep at the beach house then coming here to connect and upload photos to Shutterfly. You know how I can obsess about things and this is a good example. I do so want to put together a variety of photo books from all the experiences I have had this year.

Last night Zac arrived from Portland, and tonight Kathy, Tom, and Mick will arrive. The house will change from slow and quiet to a bit of friendly, family noise, I expect. Not to sound judgmental, few talkers can top my sister Kathy and brother Mick. The house will be abuzz with talk and laughter.

Gratitudes
Yesterday I would have said, I am grateful for:
- a healthy appetite and good cooking;
- Ben's patience and ability to just be still with me;
- the love of our puppy Jack.
Today, I am grateful for:
- the sun trying to shine;
- my body trying to hold me up;
- the taste of a good latte and cinnamon roll.

Here is a picture of health. Our dear friend Gordon looks at least 10 years younger and strong now that he enjoys a new liver. Isn't he cute. The other handsome one is my Ben.

Looks like I missed a day of posting my gratitudes already. Oh well, I am grateful today for:
- Having found this beach house at Tierra del Mar where we have been vacationing for 22 years now.
- The intermittent sunshine and the sea (I guess that's 2).
- Feeling good today, able to enjoy a fabulous breakfast at Grateful Bread, even though they had just run out of their famous biscuits.

We arrived yesterday in time to make dinner. I think it must have been the rain that awoke Jack and me at 4:00 am. After a small meal, gnawing on a bully stick (Jack's treat), a chapter in Secrets of the Baby Whisperer and one in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and a few rows of knitting, I returned to sleep until about 10:00, Jack curled up next to me on the couch. We finished our bakery breakfast an hour ago and I've been at the internet cafe now emailing and installing software so I can begin some documents on my laptop back at the house, should it happen to start raining again. In the meantime, we will go down to the sand, maybe climb the dune at Cape Kiwanda. Zac is celebrating a birthday with his mom then will come join us. Unfortunately Billy will be busy with rotations at Dornbecker this week and can't join us. We'll have to 'surf' without you, Billy.

Gratitude

My friend told me about writing three things each day that I was grateful for, so I thought I would write these on my blog:
1 - Being alive
2 - Being married to Ben
3 - Having three marvelous, compassionate, and otherwise exceptional sons
I guess these will continue to top the list, so in the coming days, I'll move down the list!
much love to all,
Pamela

medical update

I am on track - was able to get my chemo today. Thank you to Carolyn Wood and Phyllis for being my drivers and friends yesterday to the CT scan. Thank you to Carolyn Fenern and Liz for being my drivers and friends today. I am beat, but otherwise OK so far. I am squeezing out all my energy to get some things done in preparation of going to the beach Sunday. Soon a nap.
Later.

Mom and I had a fantastic time on our jaunt to Tacoma via Amtrak. The train was restful and quick with plenty of time for chat and knitting, mom reading. Hotel Murano was very nice and accommodating. Whereas check-in was 3 PM, they let us check in when we arrived around 11 AM. We were able to change and rest before we headed out for the museums. Tuesday we went to the Washington State History Museum and saw an exhibit on the Arts and Crafts Movement in the US. We oohed and aahed at the Chihuly art encased in the glass bridge to the museum.

The hotel was beautiful, newly remodeled, full of glass art with a different artist featured on each of the 24 floors. Glass canoes hung in the lobby.

We had a beautiful view of Mt Ranier from our room.

Dinner at Shenanigans provided a delightful view of the waterfront.

Wednesday we ate a leisurely breakfast then went to the Glass Museum and gift store, my favorite part of most museums. The glass art in the pools outside is always changing.

The hotel let us check out late at 1 PM, so we returned from the museum and changed. After check out we had lunch in the hotel restaurant and caught a taxi to the station for our 3 PM train back to Portland. Ben picked us up and took us to mom's where Duane had prepared a delicious salmon dinner from his recent catch in Alaska. The fresh local peaches for dessert were the best.

Thanks for a the great memories mom.

update

You could say, "No news is good news." I have felt pretty good, some ups and downs each day; more up than down. I've been very busy between home projects and being with friends and family. Some of this past week's highlights included visiting with cousin Claudia, sister-in-law Kellie, sister Kathy, and a small group of outrigger friends and their young children. That was a blast. We took them to the playground at OES, where my boys loved to play, even into middle school. Unfortunately, yoga hasn't figured into the schedule, which I am missing. Not being able to go to classes the next two weeks either, I want to discipline myself to do more in my home practice. I miss the support and motivation of my yoga teachers and community.

Today, my oldest son David finished his visit here with us. He had arrived Friday night from Boulder, CO. Pia stayed home at rest. She and baby are doing well, but she continues to be on bed rest. She has made it to the 30th week, which is an important marker. Just 9 more. It was so nice visiting with David. We stayed very low key, visiting late into the night and resting a bit during the day. It's always hard to say, "Good bye," but I look forward to seeing him and Pia and Baby in November. And I was anxious to have him back in his home with Pia.

Tomorrow, I am taking Amtrak north to Tacoma with my mother. I am very excited about this chance to have her to myself. We plan to go easy and see some art, Dale Chihuly especially.

Thursday, I will have another CT scan and blood test. Friday, I am scheduled for my third round of chemotherapy by infusion and will start the oral chemo again as well. I expect to lie low the following few days, except that Sunday we head for Tierra del Mar for 8 days. I think I'll plan our menu and grocery list on the train, because I may not be wanting to think about food for a few days after the infusion. Still, it will be good to smell the ocean and feel the sea breeze. Zac will come with us for a few days. Wednesday, my brother Mick will come down with sister Kathy and Tom, maybe Mother as well, through Friday or Saturday. Friday, sister Debbie will join us. Saturday we have a memorial dinner for my dear Uncle Jerry back in Portland. We plan to return to the beach early Sunday and stay through Monday afternoon. By then, I hope I will be up to all the travel and guests.

To those of you, most of you, I am not seeing, take care. See you again soon.
Pamela

Pam with all her boys

This shot was taken this morning after Pam had served up some of her delicious German Pancakes, the all time favorite with all her boys.

The tea Party was a lot of fun: good food and happy company. Here's a shot of the group. Today I am exhausted and going down soon for a long nap.

medical update

Medical Update: For those of you who want the details, things have improved in some ways, off in others. The nausea is pretty much gone. But the diarrhea has increased again, so I stopped taking the Xeloda (oral chemo) until that's under better control. Probably I will restart it in a couple days, when I can get my toilet sessions down to 8 @ day. Imagine that; or not; it's exhausting! I do get tired, but then I often awake without alarms after 6 hours sleep, so not surprising I might be tired. I haven't been taking many naps because there is so much I want to do.

For example, this past week, I went to 4 yoga classes. After class, I had tea and chatted with some of the other students, my friends. Tuesday, we walked down to the Central Library to hear a Buddhist monk explain about mandalas and the mandala that a group of monks from Tibet (I think) are going to make, using colored sand and deep spiritual meaning. On the way, we ate at food carts, sampling the available world fare. That day I didn't last long and needed to get home to nap. In the afternoon, my sister-in-law Ingrid came for a visit, and we had Billy over for dinner, so the nap was short. I don't remember what happened Wednesday; a lot of shopping errands I think. One day in there I did some deadheading and weeding, nurturing activities for me. Probably that was Wednesday before I had my nails done in the afternoon. Thursday I joined some old (as in long ago) friends from my Early Bird running days for a walk. Dick Anderson, Roger and Linda Jensen, Sheryl Fuller, Ron Gotcher, and I, took a rather short and direct route to Starbucks on NW 23rd and back. There was a day when we all ran on a Hood-to-Coast Team, a 12-person relay from Timberline Lodge at Mt Hood to the coast, first to Pacific City, and later years to Seaside. In the afternoon, Leslie and I sat down and planned the menu, and shopping and to do lists, for the tea we are having tomorrow, here. Thursday night, we went to Artists' Repertory Theatre to usher, but were released to come home to an early bedtime when we saw that they had more than enough ushers. Friday during yoga, I had another esophageal spasm, #9 on the pain scale, for 25 minutes. It finally completely relaxed after about 45 minutes. If you have never had this, let me say it feels like a heart attack, some say worse than a heart attack. I had had this happen about a month ago while in the Japanese Garden with Joanne. Then, we called for an ambulance, and after several tests, heart attack was conclusively ruled out. Friday, I had not yet filled my prescription for nitroglycerin so I had no remedy but to relax and wait. The yoga room with supportive friends and teacher was the best place for me. Thank you to Delores and Nick who drove me to the pharmacy and home. After a nap and food, I went to my mother's home to visit and repair jewelry. Ben came too and we stayed for dinner. That brings us to today. I awoke early so went to the 7 AM class, expecting all day to nap, but it's 6 PM and still no nap. I think I will lie down a bit anyway. Later we need to buy tart pans and place mats at Bed Bath and Beyond so I can start preparing food for the tea tomorrow. Leslie is busy shopping and cooking as well.

Did I say I have the world's best husband? He has been so supportive through all this medical/life crisis. He is always my back up, often my first, driver to appointments. He knows how to help and when to back off, which is important with an independently minded woman like me. At home, he has finished all the wood window interiors, some doors, and the wall bed, made cabinets and counters out of beautiful woods for the two bathrooms, made the shower stall pan (no small feat), painted, and done all the yard work. Oh my gosh! I used to be the gardener and now I just dabble, but he was out there in 100 degree heat today mowing, edging, and weeding so the yard would look beautiful for the tea. He has also taken full responsibility for our puppy Jack. So he's a busy guy. We can laugh and cry together, talk and just be still. Sorry girls, but I got the best one.

I think I will lie down now for a brief nap, although I am a bit hungry. Darn. A lot left to do tonight. Tomorrow Leslie is coming over at 8 AM so we can assemble all the sandwiches and tarts and get everything in order. Stay tuned for a review of the tea.

About Angels and About Trees, M. Oliver

Lani, wonderful yoga teacher, reads to us words of inspiration at the beginning of each class. I  loved this one written by poet mary Oliver.

About Angels and About Trees

Where do angels
        fly in the firmament,
and how many can dance
        on the head of a pin?

Well, I don't care
        about that pin dance,
what I know is that
        they rest, sometimes,
in the tops of the trees

  and you can see them,
        or almost see them,
or, anyway, think: what a
        wonderful idea.

I have lost as you and
        others have possibly lost a
beloved one,
        and wonder, where are they now?

The trees, anyway, are
        miraculous, full of
angels (ideas);even
        empty they are a
good place to look, to put
        the heart at rest--all those
leaves breathing the air, so


peaceful and diligent, and certainly
        ready to be
the resting place of
        strange, winged creatures
that we, in this world, have loved.

Sand Island Anniversary Sail

Five years ago, Ben and I sailed downriver to Sand Island, across from St. Helen's, for our honeymoon. We had such a fine time, we have repeated the voyage each year, with the exception of last year, when I was first diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. I am thinking the timing of this trip right after chemo was not a good idea. I plan to lie low the first few days after my future infusions.

Few people are at the island this year, unlike previous years, and it is rather cold. The blackberries are barely on the vines, let alone ripe for the picking, so no wild blackberry cobbler this year. Here are a few photos of our outing.

Ben and Jack Sunday morning

Walking the bridge to the island.

Sand Island is flat and grassy with groves of cottonwoods and blackberries.

Tug approaching up the Columbia.

Milagro

Medical Update: All things considered, I am doing well. I have certainly seen others faring far worse. That being said, I don't feel so good. Thursday I had a catheport installed below my left collar bone. That procedure was uneventful and has turned out to be a good descision, but that was a whole day procedure that left me drugged and tired the rest of the day. The infusion on Friday was easy. The nurse just poked the IV, or whatever tube it was, through the thin diaphragm of skin, connecting with a major vein in my chest that goes to my heart. All future blood draws and IVs will use this port. No more poking my veins, which had become tough and rolled when the nurses would try to place the needles. I felt surprisingly good all day Friday with high hopes of going to an art opening of a friend at 6 and niece Moriah's show at 8 at Hawthorne Theatre, but I hit the wall: severe abdominal cramping, diarrhea, vomiting, chills. I was so bummed to not hear Moriah perform her music she has written, again. By about 10, I was coming round and invited Moriah and HER Billy to stop by for an introduction. Jane and Gary and MY Billy came as well, and we had a pleasant visit. Saturday, the chemo hit me and since then, I have felt fluish, with the usual symptoms, magnified by the oscillating of the sailboat we have been on since Saturday evening. I suspect that this will pass as it did three weeks before, after a few more days. But this leads me to decide against the yoga workshop scheduled the day after my next chemo appointment.

Dinner Break

In Cannon Beach, we made a memorial for Rascal. The red 

rose is for him

Ben and I just celebrated our 59th and 61st birthdays. Here are a few shots of the celebrations.

Night Cap

Leslie and Ken Dale and Jesse and Maryanne Smith met us in Cannon Beach for ice cream at Osburn's. Yummy Mountain Blackberry in a cone.

This note from the yoga teacher in Tolovana, for those of you  who may be interested in attending the workshop August 28-29 with me:
I'm attaching a link to the Katrina Repka workshop that I'm hosting.   
Please let me know if you have any questions.
http://www.cannonbeachyogaarts.com/workshops/detail/? 
id=67e6223c8e3cc9a26fc8bd4187f05e7d

Namaste,
Christen
CannonBeachYogaArts
http://www.cannonbeachyogaarts.com

Sorry about the empty video frames. We couldn't figure out how to upload them onto my MacBook. Maybe later.

Here are some still shots of this suite at Ecola Creek Lodge. We are loving it.

 Jack continues to nap as I write and Ben snores on the futon nearby.

 Jack likes to lick our wet feet!

We have the corner suite looking out into this lovely garden with cascading pools into a koi pond and this sunny deck

. I love montbretia (crocosmia).

Today we rose leisurely and had time for breakfast and a yoga class in Tolovana. There, I learned of a yoga workshop happening August 28-29, $200, that I think I will return to take. I don't remember the name of the yoga instructor coming to lead the workshop, from London with a world class reputation, according to Christen the local instructor. She was wonderful herself, and the energy in the class this morning with just five of us was nurturing, which I needed. Info is posted on the local instructor's website: cannonbeachyogaarts.com. Anyone else interested? At this moment there is a studio available at the Ecola Creek Lodge that has two queens, $132 a night, no kitchen. We could look into something else or maybe someone has a house or connections for a house?

After yoga, Ben and I went to our favorite bakery-espresso joint, Waves of Grain. Later a short stroll to exercise Jack, then taco lunch at 'home.' Billy stopped by with a friend on their way to surf at Indian Beach. We look forward to sharing dinner with them later.

Our Suite at Ecola Creek Lodge

Here are videos of the Ecola Creek Lodge suite and part of our day at Cape Kiwanda, after we hiked up and back down the dune. Hope you find them as amusing as we do.
















By the way, some of you may want to view Pia and Dave's blog to keep up with the baby's development: http://thedaveandpiashow.blogspot.com/. Thank you to all who are joining us in our 40 day meditation for the baby, and sending prayers and warm thoughts their way. Also, I have to brag: I made the wedding dress you see Pia wearing in the opening photo with Dave at the beach. There's a story there I may tell some day.

We had a fantastic two days at Tierra Del Mar with Debbie, Bill, and niece Kara from Tennessee, and my mom. The days started with low clouds that broke by noon to bright skies and light breezes. 

It was a delight spending time with Kara. Kara is on summer break before her last year of nursing school in Tennessee. She will be a gift to the medical profession and all whom she treats. She's a help and a joy to me. As I have written before, I am blessed with many wonderful nieces and three fine nephews, each so very different from one another, with different gifts and charms. Don't you love Kara's fashion style? We had fun inspecting some interesting jewelry in town, with the plan to replicate some pieces. I hadn't realized how many interests and idiosyncracies we shared. 

 A study in black and white, Debbie with daughter Kara, Cape Kiwanda dune and stack in the distance. 

The pups had a rompous time on the beach, and in the house. What a difference between a spaniel and a terrier when it comes to water and retrieving. Jack has no interest in either, but Sadie...!

Today we climbed the short end of the dune for a panoramic view of the ocean and the small cove beaches at the base of the cape. When we figure out how to upload the video we shot, you can see for yourself the beauty of the place.

After a leisurely morning at the breakfast table eating Debbie's waffles and the afternoon at the cape and feasting on burgers at the Pelican Pub, Ben, Jack and I headed north to Cannon Beach, where we are now in the Ecola Creek Lodge. I love this place and this suite of rooms in particular. Again, when we upload the video, you can share in the charm of this place. We are sitting in a knotty pine paneled living room beside a brick gas fireplace at a round wood table. Earlier we dined on New Season's skirt steaks (double yum) looking out our window over a koi pond in the garden. I strongly recommend this lodging. Tomorrow, if we wake early enough, I will check out a vinyasa yoga class in the Tolovana Hall, wherever that is; nearby I presume. Ben has plans for coffee and Tillamook cheesy biscuits at Waves of Grain bakery in Tolovana, the prime culinary attraction for us here. Billy may be surfing at Indian Beach in Ecola Park tomorrow and we will join him there. We are hoping he will spend the night on the futon in our suite. Zac is busy this weekend competing in a marathon of events with kickball friends. Being a natural athlete, we have high hopes he will take the gold. Unfortunately, this prevents him from joining us for the weekend. 

Here's a recipe for a smoothie to help you gain weight. I hope it works for me. It sure tasted good, and made about 18 oz.

- 1 banana

- 1 cup frozen berries

- 1/2 mango

- 3/4 c mixed juices

- 1/2 bottle (3 oz?) Ensure

- 1/4 c coconut cream milk

- 2 T green powder (fruits and veggies)

- 4 T whey protein powder

Thought you might like to see the Callas girls: Debbie Hood, Becky Scleicher, Betty Hesketh, Kathy Callas, and me.

Today I didn't feel so good upon waking so I slept through yoga, which I hate to miss, as well as my good friends at yoga. But by 11:00 I was feeling better. I went to my 11:30 appointment, then to Elephant's to pick up a deli lunch and off to meet my SLP friend of 30 years, Debbie Haroun, at the Japanese Garden. Does anyone else find the gift stores in nice parks and museums as enticing as I do? I found exquisite sculptured napkin rings and a beautiful celludon (How do you spell it?) lotus bowl for inspiration in my meditation room. Yes, the garden was as peaceful and graceful as always. We sat in a quiet place and listened to the water feature, sharing our thoughts on life and death and our experiences with cancer and other life challenges and joys. Debbie's been my model for a long time now, ever since she was first diagnosed with ovarian cancer years ago. What a woman she is, with a passion for life that knows no limits, so it seems.

Tomorrow we are driving to Tierra del Mar to join sister Debbie and Bill for a couple days then move north to Cannon Beach for the weekend. I am so eager to go that my bags have been packed for two days.

I hope wherever each of you is, that you have enjoyed this gloriously fresh day.

Pamela